I was talking to my therapist today about my values. I was recalling a scene from the movie Ocean’s 11, where Matt Damon’s character was playing a Liquor and Gaming agent. In the scene he was told (by Brad Pitt’s character) to be liked, but also forgotten as soon as he left. That is a role I have been playing my entire life. When I worked at the bank people told me I looked like a banker; average looking, a little overweight, quiet, and, as I looked the part, even landed the gig of being Santa for the kid’s photos.

 I worked long hours, and everyone thought I was a nice guy. I was well liked, existed safely in my space, comfortable in my knowledge of how to act, and how to control things around me.  I was always being friendly, but never revealing too much. My customers liked me; I was good and small talk and getting to know others, while only having to reveal what I wanted known about me. I could exist in this world without ever having to escape my safety net. I was playing a part.

On rare occasions, I would actually connect with a client or a co-worker, but all my energy would be spent playing my part, leaving me by the end of the day with nothing left, emotionally. I was tired, both mentally and physically, but I thought I was doing what a good father, husband, friend, employee was supposed to be doing. I was a people pleaser who believed that if I kept people happy, there would be no conflict, no stress, and I could make it through my days. This left nothing for those who were expecting me to be more connected.

I didn’t understand why there was such conflict outside of my workplace when I got home. I don’t recall ever having a fight with any of my friends or co-workers, yet at home the fighting and the stress never stopped. I didn’t understand it, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was providing financially, a safe home food on the table, and I never missed a soccer practice, dance recital, birthday, or Christmas. Ever. We looked happy, but there was no real happiness.

I have learned how to act in most situations in my life through being quiet, observing, agreeing and blending in. I got so good at it that I no longer even know who I am and what my values, likes, wants, and dreams really are. I spent so much time trying to fit into a role that I never really discovered who I was as a person.

The only role I never really learned was how to be in an intimate relationship because I never saw how that was done. I want that, I want to feel I want to have that. Most days I get through by knowing what to say and what not to say, the only time I don’t is when I get overwhelmed with emotion or get into a situation that I haven’t incurred before. My mind feels cloudy, and I figure out a way to escape it as soon as I can. I used my body to hide, carrying a little extra weight, wearing clothes that aren’t too “loud”, and so on. Some of my friends refer to me as “beige,” and tell me I need to add some colour. I am working towards becoming me, whoever that may be.

My diagnosis helped make a lot of things and actions in my life, and it now makes sense to me why any real relationships I have had had failed. I had no clue what I was doing. I still don’t, but I want to. I want to have that meaning and that feeling in my life. I am tired of hiding and blending in, I want to be me, but I am not sure who that is. Mental illness hasn’t always been socially accepted and is still not understood.  I to this day tell people I am on the autism spectrum, they have no idea really what that means, I get told you look “normal”; “I never would have guessed”, I think to myself that’s because I have learned how my entire life how to hide in plain site. I want to come out of the shadows and into the light which scares me because its not something I have ever done.

I am still trying to figure out what “autistic” is or isn’t, but it is who I am, not a role I am playing. This is my life and I want it to be mine, not some other versions of what others or society thinks it should be.

I don’t what to fit in a box anymore, but I also don’t want to bust it out completely. I want to learn to be me, it is something I struggle with everyday, and the toughest part is trying to do it in a world that doesn’t understand and always accept something or someone that is different, that’s why I will continue to hide until I figure it out. I hope I can stop hiding soon.

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